Excerpt from 'Saving Sandra'
Sandra
I check the clock, then glance at the computer. It’s late. I shouldn’t stay up. Yesterday, not entirely sober, and stuffed with prescription painkillers, I made an account on a kink site—a dating site for people with similar… interests. It was a spur-of-the-moment thing, and felt right then, reckless and uninhibited from the drugs. I never touch mind-altering substances when I’m with the kids, but when I’m alone I just don’t know how to quell this feeling of being flayed on the inside.
I hurry to the shower. Some cool water will clear my head. I’ll just erase the profile, and all will be good.
Except… my mind isn’t clear at all when I get back out, a towel wrapped around my head, my feet in slippers. As I wrap a second towel around my chest and secure it, my feet take me straight to my laptop. I snatch it up and bring it with me to the bedroom. Slippers toed off, I sink between the sheets and turn on the machine. I haven’t looked at the profile since I created it, and I’m terrified of what I put there. Did I say too much? Can someone recognize me? That would throw me to the sharks, and I don’t know how my image could recover. I’d have to answer to so many people.
My heart is in my throat, and my hands shake a little when I look at whatever mess I made. It’s not that bad, actually.
--breathless28
—Sub. Interested in spanking, bondage, mild humiliation, moderate pain, choking.
Just reading what I wrote makes my pussy heat up.
—No experience in the lifestyle.
That’s not entirely true. My ex-husband was seriously dominant, but we were mostly experimenting, we weren’t really taking it to the next level. From what I’ve learned from his new woman, Casey, they live it. Dom and sub. I’m a bit jealous. I wish I had what they have. That connection between two people. I’ve never felt it.
—Looking for casual meetings, no commitment.
That’s not true at all.
I scroll the page. I added a picture. My cheeks turn hotter. Oh my God, what did I post? It’s dark and a little grainy. There’s a part of a white lacy bra, and my toned belly. I remember it now, how I tightened it to show off my six-pack. At the lowest part of the image there’s a bit of hip and the side strings of my matching panties.
I lean back against the pillow and sigh with relief. None of this reveals my identity. I’m so stupid! This could have gone bad. After scrolling all the way down, I hover with the pointer over the delete button, hesitating. I’ve gotten nineteen answers already. Several of them show as being online. If I pay, I can choose to read them without the other knowing I’m online. I swallow, hesitate. I have a credit card I can use which won’t be traced back to me.
Okay, fuck it. Just this once.
Most are dick pics with promises of hot meetings. There are close-ups of piercings and hands with whips.
A few catch my interest, but even though a hot body definitely turns me on, so does some amount of brain, and I find nothing. This was just a waste of time. I glance at the clock on the screen and groan. Three in the morning. My head spins, and I’m already beginning to feel hungover. Just as I’m about to sign out, a new message pops up.
[Savage666: what are your desires?]
My heart shoots to my throat. I glance around me as if someone is actually looking at me. I hesitate. How can I express what I need?
[A connection.]
[Savage666: so you ARE online? Sneaky. A ‘casual’ connection?]
Hmm. Caught me there. Do I put on a role, or do I try for honesty? Just this once? I live a role. This can be honest. No one will ever know anyway.
[Savage666: I don’t think you’re being honest. Why are you here?]
My cheeks grow hot. How can I ever express that? And to a stranger? I’m not sure what I want. Or… I do, but I’m not sure why.
[I want relief.]
[Savage666: From what?]
[Demands.]
[Savage666: which demands?]
My stomach clenches. This is too personal.
[Why are YOU here?]
[Savage666: I’m not here to play games, Miss Breathless. This isn’t about me. What is it you long for more than anything else?]
[I don’t know how to express it. I need to be taken out of my own mind. It’s messy in there and I just want someone to pull me into the present. Do you know what I mean?]
[Savage666: where are you right now?]
[In my bed.]
[Savage666: tell me what you’re wearing.]
I laugh.
[Look, dude, this is just too cliché.]
[Savage666: I’m not playing. Tell me what you’re wearing.]
I should just shut the lid and sleep, but my belly tingles, and there’s something about this person that makes me curious. One of the pictures on his profile shows the lower part of his face. Stubble on a very squared jaw, full lips. Decidedly hot, even with the little I see. Another shows a chest that makes me drool. Holy hell, he’s buff. No dick image. I like that. It’s pretty cheesy with all these men showing off their erect cocks.
A little more. I can give this just a little more and see where he takes it.
[A towel. I just came out of the shower.]
[Savage666: having trouble sleeping?]
[No, well, I got home a little while ago.]
[Savage666: bad evening habits, then. A party?]
[Something like that.]
[Savage666: so you have been around people all night, and still you feel lonely enough to go online and talk to a stranger?]
Touché.
[Yes.]
[Savage666: seems your whole life is ‘casual’ and you do long for a connection after all.]
That hurt. It’s as if he sees right through me.
[I do. I just don’t think I will find it here.]
[Savage666: but here you are, talking to me.]
[I find you interesting.]
[Savage666: did you even look at my profile?]
I gulp and click back to his profile. I can’t really say I did. His pictures caught me, but I didn’t read.
‘Dom. Sadist. If we meet, you are mine for the duration of the time. I’m not nice. I’m rough. I inflict pain. I will fuck you until you plead with me to stop, but I won’t. There will be no pity. I don’t play around. Do not meet up with me if this is past your hard limits. I cannot stress this enough.’
My mouth turns dry.
Oh, hell no.
Still, my pussy suddenly tingles intensely and my heart rate quickens.
But no. I can’t do that.
[Savage666: I gather from the sudden silence you’re reading my profile.]
I’m afraid. I’m afraid to even continue this chat.
[Is this true?]
[Savage666: I told you I don’t play.]
My heart sinks. I can’t do this.
[I think this is past my limits.]
[Savage666: and still it makes your pussy heat up.]
I look around me again. I’m on the top floor. My curtains are closed. My door is locked. And this person doesn’t know where I am, or who I am. Still, it’s as if he’s here with me.
[Savage666: am I wrong?]
[You’re not wrong.]
[Savage666: but you’re not ready. Have a good night, Miss Breathless.]
His green dot turns gray, and he’s gone. I want to type something back, but it’s too late. He’s not interested in a newbie. He’s out for extreme hardcore, and I just can’t do that.
I don’t sleep for the rest of the night. With my hand between my legs, I rub my clit as I imagine him there, holding me down, forcing me to bend to his will. I scream and arch as I come, sweaty and limp when the spasms subside.
Oh God. I’m a wreck.
I hurry to the shower. Some cool water will clear my head. I’ll just erase the profile, and all will be good.
Except… my mind isn’t clear at all when I get back out, a towel wrapped around my head, my feet in slippers. As I wrap a second towel around my chest and secure it, my feet take me straight to my laptop. I snatch it up and bring it with me to the bedroom. Slippers toed off, I sink between the sheets and turn on the machine. I haven’t looked at the profile since I created it, and I’m terrified of what I put there. Did I say too much? Can someone recognize me? That would throw me to the sharks, and I don’t know how my image could recover. I’d have to answer to so many people.
My heart is in my throat, and my hands shake a little when I look at whatever mess I made. It’s not that bad, actually.
--breathless28
—Sub. Interested in spanking, bondage, mild humiliation, moderate pain, choking.
Just reading what I wrote makes my pussy heat up.
—No experience in the lifestyle.
That’s not entirely true. My ex-husband was seriously dominant, but we were mostly experimenting, we weren’t really taking it to the next level. From what I’ve learned from his new woman, Casey, they live it. Dom and sub. I’m a bit jealous. I wish I had what they have. That connection between two people. I’ve never felt it.
—Looking for casual meetings, no commitment.
That’s not true at all.
I scroll the page. I added a picture. My cheeks turn hotter. Oh my God, what did I post? It’s dark and a little grainy. There’s a part of a white lacy bra, and my toned belly. I remember it now, how I tightened it to show off my six-pack. At the lowest part of the image there’s a bit of hip and the side strings of my matching panties.
I lean back against the pillow and sigh with relief. None of this reveals my identity. I’m so stupid! This could have gone bad. After scrolling all the way down, I hover with the pointer over the delete button, hesitating. I’ve gotten nineteen answers already. Several of them show as being online. If I pay, I can choose to read them without the other knowing I’m online. I swallow, hesitate. I have a credit card I can use which won’t be traced back to me.
Okay, fuck it. Just this once.
Most are dick pics with promises of hot meetings. There are close-ups of piercings and hands with whips.
A few catch my interest, but even though a hot body definitely turns me on, so does some amount of brain, and I find nothing. This was just a waste of time. I glance at the clock on the screen and groan. Three in the morning. My head spins, and I’m already beginning to feel hungover. Just as I’m about to sign out, a new message pops up.
[Savage666: what are your desires?]
My heart shoots to my throat. I glance around me as if someone is actually looking at me. I hesitate. How can I express what I need?
[A connection.]
[Savage666: so you ARE online? Sneaky. A ‘casual’ connection?]
Hmm. Caught me there. Do I put on a role, or do I try for honesty? Just this once? I live a role. This can be honest. No one will ever know anyway.
[Savage666: I don’t think you’re being honest. Why are you here?]
My cheeks grow hot. How can I ever express that? And to a stranger? I’m not sure what I want. Or… I do, but I’m not sure why.
[I want relief.]
[Savage666: From what?]
[Demands.]
[Savage666: which demands?]
My stomach clenches. This is too personal.
[Why are YOU here?]
[Savage666: I’m not here to play games, Miss Breathless. This isn’t about me. What is it you long for more than anything else?]
[I don’t know how to express it. I need to be taken out of my own mind. It’s messy in there and I just want someone to pull me into the present. Do you know what I mean?]
[Savage666: where are you right now?]
[In my bed.]
[Savage666: tell me what you’re wearing.]
I laugh.
[Look, dude, this is just too cliché.]
[Savage666: I’m not playing. Tell me what you’re wearing.]
I should just shut the lid and sleep, but my belly tingles, and there’s something about this person that makes me curious. One of the pictures on his profile shows the lower part of his face. Stubble on a very squared jaw, full lips. Decidedly hot, even with the little I see. Another shows a chest that makes me drool. Holy hell, he’s buff. No dick image. I like that. It’s pretty cheesy with all these men showing off their erect cocks.
A little more. I can give this just a little more and see where he takes it.
[A towel. I just came out of the shower.]
[Savage666: having trouble sleeping?]
[No, well, I got home a little while ago.]
[Savage666: bad evening habits, then. A party?]
[Something like that.]
[Savage666: so you have been around people all night, and still you feel lonely enough to go online and talk to a stranger?]
Touché.
[Yes.]
[Savage666: seems your whole life is ‘casual’ and you do long for a connection after all.]
That hurt. It’s as if he sees right through me.
[I do. I just don’t think I will find it here.]
[Savage666: but here you are, talking to me.]
[I find you interesting.]
[Savage666: did you even look at my profile?]
I gulp and click back to his profile. I can’t really say I did. His pictures caught me, but I didn’t read.
‘Dom. Sadist. If we meet, you are mine for the duration of the time. I’m not nice. I’m rough. I inflict pain. I will fuck you until you plead with me to stop, but I won’t. There will be no pity. I don’t play around. Do not meet up with me if this is past your hard limits. I cannot stress this enough.’
My mouth turns dry.
Oh, hell no.
Still, my pussy suddenly tingles intensely and my heart rate quickens.
But no. I can’t do that.
[Savage666: I gather from the sudden silence you’re reading my profile.]
I’m afraid. I’m afraid to even continue this chat.
[Is this true?]
[Savage666: I told you I don’t play.]
My heart sinks. I can’t do this.
[I think this is past my limits.]
[Savage666: and still it makes your pussy heat up.]
I look around me again. I’m on the top floor. My curtains are closed. My door is locked. And this person doesn’t know where I am, or who I am. Still, it’s as if he’s here with me.
[Savage666: am I wrong?]
[You’re not wrong.]
[Savage666: but you’re not ready. Have a good night, Miss Breathless.]
His green dot turns gray, and he’s gone. I want to type something back, but it’s too late. He’s not interested in a newbie. He’s out for extreme hardcore, and I just can’t do that.
I don’t sleep for the rest of the night. With my hand between my legs, I rub my clit as I imagine him there, holding me down, forcing me to bend to his will. I scream and arch as I come, sweaty and limp when the spasms subside.
Oh God. I’m a wreck.